emotional day

Help help help. Today's a bad day only because I recognize my own crazy emotions. What happened? Is it my environment, my mind, my loneliness? Men. I miss all the ones I can't have. Can't have him because I'm not suppose to, because he has hurt me and he always will. He hurts me the most when all he wants is me. With the other, I have to continue to be this perfect women that he sees me as. And it is easy for me to play that role because of the situation. (Why did I just open my mouth. Tekoa keep it shut. You think you have something interesting to say but you don't. Nobody cares.) Back to the men. Why is it that I feel so strongly about him? We had good converstion in the beginning, we were curious, intrigued, interested. Now its all sex. Latenight, boosed up, cramped up, secreative. It'll always be sex. It's good sex but now it's dangerous. How do I let him know? This scares me so much. Will I loose him? Will he regret me? Only if he is immature and neither one of us likes to believe we are immature. Maybe I'll let it die down. Maybe pick it up in the summer or even in a year. Am I strong enough to let him go? Do I really need him? It's only because I feel like nobody else wants me. NO! nobody that I want to want me wants me. Why? My goodness. When I think about what I've done I feel so sick and slutty for lack of a better word. I felt so ashamed by what he said. Because it was me. Why did I do that? Why do I have so many regrets but continue to do stupid things? This will still be my year. I will not let that go. I will not allow myself to feel so terrible. Today is a bad day only because of my emotions.