GO TO BED!!

Ok so I literally just wrote on this stupid online journal like 3 hours ago. But I can't sleep and I thought I would put some more of my thoughts down because the previous post was kinda on the angry tip. And also after I posted it I started to look at other people's online journals and it made me want to come back in here. Since my last post I have listened to a "Love is Bullshit" mix, which is all breakup and sad songs and a "Only 4 the Grown & Sexy" Mix, which are all slow jams, but not sad. I got a phone call like 15 minutes ago from a very wonderful man. His birthday was today. He is old. This is the same guy that I am the perfect woman for. He once told me that he wanted me to give lessons to every female in his life on how to not be so uptight and pressed. I'm sure there are a few males who may be reading this journal and thinking "WHAT!!??" but yes. I don't know if I have changed, matured or what the fuck happened but all this is true. Maybe it just has to do with the type of relationship we have. There is no need to go crazy cause we layed all our cards out on the table in the beginning. It also could be that in reality we could never be anything thing else then what we have been. And also because it is just so much fun being secretive and bad. It might have to do with the fact that, surprisingly, we are a lot a like. It is pretty scary.

I have discovered the best way to keep a guy is to not like him as much as he likes you. My grandmother once told me that but I never knew what she was talking about. But it's true. Whenever I like a guy more than he likes me it gets fucked up and I get my heart broken and feelings hurt. The last time this happened I pretty much lost a really good friend. I'm still confused where we stand. It's pretty awkward. As much as I want to be friends I don't want to turn into that girl (nag) that pushed him away even when I just want to call him to say what's up. And plus usually when there is a guy in my life that I just don't have interest in or time for he never seems to go away. I mean constant phone calls, always asking me to go out, giving me shit. And because I am disinterested these things either bug me or just don't phase me. Kind of like a "Yeah, yeah, yeah" nonchalant attitude. So what I have realized is if I do really like someone then I convince myself and him that I don't as much. I know in a sense it's playing games but it's a game that works. And it's not a vicious game.

So he called. At first the phone scared me but when I saw the name I immedietly was giddy. He tells me that he thinks its gonna be a good summer for him. Which makes me scared and excited at the same time. Plus I don't want him to jinx it. I had the best time of my life last summer and I'm scared to think what will happen this summer cause it could only get better. Mainly because some circumstances will be different and less challenging.