(sigh) Christmas

The end of the year is almost here. I thought I knew what I wanted so when I tried to fix and make it the best it could be I think I just screwed it up. Maybe it was for the best. I'm not sad about it now because I havent been able to stop thinking about something else that I've wanted for so long and have been waiting for 2 years. I have no problem waiting. This is the one thing I believe I will get by waiting for it. The waiting doesnt even bother me anymore. I think I might be crazy. I feel like I'm back in middle school or something. Love is a really strong thing. I'm not afraid of love. I dont think I ever really was. What was it; me trying to convience myself I'm too good to fall in love. I was above all that. I didnt need it to know who I was and what I wanted out of life. But I am in love. I have been for so long and I've realized I can put it on hold if I wanted to for the good of the future. Now I really think I'm talking crazy. Maybe because its Christmas. Eventhough I'm not all about Christmas either. So what to do? Put the love on hold long enough (not too far away though) until it will work and continue what has started knowing that's not what I want in the long run but what I want immediately. It sounds really confusing and it is. I think I'm just really being selfish. But I've said it before and I'll say it again.... I deserve to be happy and to have what I want. I've gone so long without it. I think I'll try to see what comes of the immediate and keep holding on to the possiblilty of the future. But if the future came today, I'd be all up on it.