Surgery Day

Some life changing events have occured lately. It's been a little scary. I'm glad they are over with though. I've decided not to let him know how I feel just yet. Out of courtesy for him it really isn't a good time. And I can wait. I've been conditioned to wait. I don't know what I'm going to do about the other two situations. I know what I want to do with one of them. I want it to go away. I'm not 100% sure what he really thinks of me. Obviously he doesn't know me if he thinks that by telling me what he did I would just be all about him. I feel thats why he did it. I really doubt that he honestly feels that way. No person in their right mind could. Or maybe he doesn't really know the meaning of it. Maybe he is basing it on something completely superficial. Maybe he's one of those types of people that throw it around without any remorse. Like the way other people would say "Good Morning". But instead of getting happy, which is what he thought I would do or responding with the same, it made me sick. It made me sceptical. Like, c'mon are you really serious? It's still hard to register in my mind. With the third situation I finally came clean and I thought we were on the track to something positive but of course we weren't. I was metophorically slapped in the face, again. Which I think is what works for me. Because of that slap I was able to remember all the reasons why I wanted to disassociate. Sometimes I can never remember, which is interesting to me because I've always thought of myself as someone who holds on to bad things. Not that I'm a [complete] pessimist but that I'm a realist and I can see both sides equally for what they really are.

I go back to school this weekend. People have asked me if I'm ready to go back. I respond that I'm ready to continue to get it over with. After this hopefully short sememster I'll just have one more year and its off to do whatever the fuck I want to do and hopefully be happy doing it.