Bad Bad Week

Wow, what a bad week. It started Friday. After deciding not to drink on Thursday for some reason I thought it would be ok to get so fucked up on Friday that I would just ruin my entire life. I realized that depression sinks in only when I come back to school. It could be depression or it could be just an overwhelming extent of stress. I poured my heart out and got the most minut response. So I left it at that. Then decided to slide it in during another conversation. Still nothing. So what. I hate it thats way, but so what. After dreading a potential encounter for over a week it happened today (but not really if that makes any sense) and I had a panic attack. That can not be healthy. How is it that I can let myself get that way? Why didn't I just say something? I still want to say something. I've decided if I'm going to do it, to get some sort of closure, I'll wait til I'm in the comfort of my own home this weekend. I just want to scream, "I FUCKING SAW YOU! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DIDN'T? DO YOU THINK I'M THAT FUCKING STUPID AND NON-SIGNIFICANT?" Whooosai.....

So, I'm not sure what's going on. Have you ever gotten the feeling that people know something very personal about you and they are judging you for it? I've been really feeling that way, and it really sucks. I don't like it, its unsure, uncomfortable, nerve wrecking, anxious..... And I feel like I have this problem because of someone else and having that thought makes me extremely depressed. I try to breathe, but it doesn't work all the time. I don't know if I need drugs, to become a hermet, stop drinking or stop having sex. Well I've kinda already stopped doing the last two. I've decided to stick with it over this past week.

Through discussion at Vagina Mono rehearsals I've found out that I am not as alone as I think I am. It's such a comforting feeling, for you and others, to know someone is going through the same thing you are.