M.A.S.H

I was sooooo bored in sociology today. So besides calling my brother, who is in California (I'm so proud, happy and excited for him!), and sending my best friend text messages, I decide to play a good ol' fashion game of M.A.S.H and thought I'd share the results with you fine people.

• Out of the M.A.S.H choices I am living in a Shack
• Between my ex, my older man, a "random frat guy" and a friend I met at a club back home I am marrying my ex.
• Between a jeep, public transportaion, a truck and a staion wagon I get to drive a truck! whooo hoooo!
• I'm having 3 kids instead of none or 7
• I'm getting married in a church as aposed to a field or a basement. (My poor mother had a basement wedding :(
• Between Bmore, a foreign country and Cali I'm living in Bmore.
• My occupation will be a gynocologist instead of TV personality or a housewife.
• And all this will happen when I'm 30.

So now, aside from being extremly tired, I think I may be getting sick. I think I'm just gonna go home, sleep and count the hours until my favorite person comes up to see me. I'm sooooo happy I need her here so much. I have had one of the worst weeks and it's not even over.

It's your fault because you don't see me and your not my boyfriend

This has been a stressful week and its only gonna get worst. I have a lot of stuff to do still after getting one big project out of the way. And instead of being responsible I am wasting crucial time on facebook for goodness sakes. Im addicted. And since my computer started acting up I have been with out it, and AIM and email and free downloads (basically everything i live for) for a day or two. I hate it. So now my entire unit is all the way up hill and I wont get it back, I know, for at least a week. So that means even if I have papers (which i do) I have to write them outside of my room and that never works. Because right now I'm in the library and have been for an hour and have done nothing but search on facebook and look at people's photo's and chat on aim. I need to get focused. I realized today when I was on the bus luggin my PC to the top of campus that I am in college so I don't have to be as poor as I am now when I get out of college. So I had better straighten up. But as much as I want to change my student habits it never seems to work out that way. And just when I think it couldn't get any worst a cute guy (who somewhat reminds me of Mos Def in his face and his speech) just walked into the library and is sitting at another computer that is visible to me without me being noticable. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO CONCENTRATE NOW, HUH???? This is ridiculous. I blame it on not having a boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't be thinking about other guys who struck me as cute. So I'm laying the blame on all guys that are not my boyfriend. Because if you were then I wounldn't be in this mess. I just really want someone to come up and see me. An old friend came up last weekend and it was really nice to see this person but he didn't come up for me. It was pretty much circumstantial that we even spent the amount of time together that we did. My best friend is coming this weekend and although I know she loves me more than anything and she would come see me regardless she is only staying for a day or 2 and heading up to another state. I just really need to be around people from home who care enough about me to come all the way up here to see me on their own. I hate having to beg people to come see me. I want them to WANT to come. I mean aren't I important in these people's lives? I'd really like to think so. If not why the hell do they keep me around. So maybe now that I've vented on this journal I will be able to get some real work done. We shall see.

Boo this holiday

I keep getting stood up!!! WTF!!! I blame weed. I do. I didn't even smoke today I'm so upset. I guess it's a good thing I wasn't inhibitant I got a long and full weekend ahead of me. A social, a play, rehearsals, a pig roast and goodness knows what else. So everyone on campus is addicted to facebook. It's takin over the world! I have a feeling it will die down by the end of the weekend. I really miss someone right now, but I can't really decide who it is. I mean I know who it is but I have a feeling that I'm just projecting my feelings from someone else onto that person, so to say. I dunno. It's just that I'm bout to go to bed and I'm goin alone once again.I'm getting so sick of that feeling. This really sucks.

Me in survey form

So I always get those survey things in my email and I usually answer them and forward to my friends. But I figure I'd let the people who I usually don't forward it to suffer as well. Here goes.

1. IF I COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT BE? any place warm. free of stupid people and telephones.
2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? panties.
3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? i dont buy, i burn baby
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? what's this morning business??
   
5. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT WHAT WOULD IT BE? guitar
6. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? white roses
7. WHICH DO YOU PREFER: SPORTS CAR OR SUV? probably a sports car
8. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? yes, now if I'm getting there is another story.
9. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK. Frog and Toad
10. IF YOU HAD ONE SUPERPOWER WHAT WOULD IT BE? superspeed
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer
12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO WHAT IS IT? if I had a tattoo it would say "this shoulda been a piercing"
13. CAN YOU JUGGLE? only men
14. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? all my pets
15. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Thriat-day (thursday-friday and saturday)
16. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? used to be a spare tire, magazines, car kit and baby clothes.
    
17. WHICH DO YOU PREFER: SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? mmmmmmmmmmm sushi!
18. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICECREAM? cakebatter, vanilla, mint chocolate chip, i dont discriminate.
19. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? naw
20. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR DREAM JOB? anything famous
21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL? Soul Food
22. WHAT IS THE MOST ENJOYABLE THING YOU WILL DO TODAY? hopefully get high. It's 4/20
23. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY? 4th of July
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE JUST TWO HOURS TO YOURSELF WHAT WOULD YOU DO? sleep or do my hair or shave my legs or give myself a facial or call a boy to come ova.
25. FAVORITE SOUND? my playlists

I have yet another. And because I'm so bored (and probably you are too) I have added it for both our entertainment.

1. EVER BEEN SO DRUNK YOU PASSED OUT? no but i convinced people i have to cover up somethin stupid i did (muhahahahahahahaha)
2. EVER BEEN MISSING? hahahahaha YES. in the same house as everyone who thouhgt i was missing
3. BEEN HURT EMOTIONALLY? ohhhhh yea
4. KEPT A SECRET FROM ANYONE? of course
5. HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG? yup, plenty. one's name was Rufio, like from Hook.
6. WANTED TO HOOK UP WITH A FRIEND? yes and have, often.
7. HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER. yes
8. EVER THOUGHT AN ANIMATED CHARACTER WAS HOT? yes. Prince Eric, Aladdin and Moses (i know it's sick)
9. HAD A NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK TAPE? no but i think i had a magazine with them in it.
10. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? in the theaters= Phantom of the Opera (i am soooooooooooo sad)

RIGHT NOW

1. WEARING: jeans (unbuttoned), wife beater and Twinz hoodie.
2. HAIR IS: still in the cute hairstyle i put it in the morning.
3. EATING: nada
4. DRINKING: wish i had a glass of cold water but its kinda brezzy in here, maybe ill make some green tea
5. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? why the flip I am still up at 4 in the morning.
6. TALKING TO: noone, everyone else has sense enough to be in bed
7. LISTENING TO: the A/C, my roommate snore and myself type.

THE LAST 24 HOURS

1. CRIED? no
2. WORN A SKIRT? OH YEA BABY! I LIVE TO KEEP THESE LEGS BOUNCIN' IN THE SUN.
3. MET SOMEONE NEW? pretty sure i did
4. CLEANED A ROOM? ha ha
5. DONE LAUNDRY? ha ha ha
6. DROVE A CAR? oh, i did, it was a red acura integra. that car is hot
7. WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS? probably jiggy
8. WHO IS THE LOUDEST OF YOUR FRIENDS? ME or babymama
   
9. WHO DO YOU GO TO FOR ADVICE? malo
10. WHO DO YOU CRY TO? my pillow or jiggy
11. WORST FEELING? being alone and not being wanted

a lil insight on a complicated women. i encourage you to pass this valuble info about yourself to others.

Ups and downs

I have been stressing about my directing class. Everyone is so busy and I keep getting turned down by actors. It really stresses me out. I only have one scene left but I really want it to my best. As far as my other classes everything is ok. Had a fun weekend again this past weekend. So ok. It is now time to talk about the twin from the club. I'm done with him. When I was home for spring break he stood me up one night. I think it was my last night at home. He said he would call me to chill with him and some of his friends. He didnt call. When he got in contact with me he assured me that things got confusing and he was really sorry and he would make up for it. Yea yea yea. Then he said he was coming to see me at school (as I have already put down in this journal) but he didnt. He didnt even call me, when he did he claimed he lost my number. WTF!! How do you loose someones number now-a-days especially since if its someone you are interested in. But my girl back home confirmed that he called her to get it back. So then it got me to thinking the only way he would have lost it is if he doesnt want to save it in his phone because someone else might see it. Someone that would care that it was in there and the only type someone who would usually care would be a female. I hate them type of someones. But if it is a female i dont hate her, I am not too fond of the twin right now. Because if that is the case that is fa real messed up. So whateva, he called me and said he was gonna come up this weekend. Did he? NO! He made such a big deal about it because I had originally told him I would be pretty busy this weekend that I probably wouldnt have the time to entertain. But when I found out I wouldn't be as busy as I thought I agreed that he could come up. It was all his idea and it has always been all his idea. Even though he was seemed he really wanted to stay committed to the idea in the back of my mind I had a feeling it wouldn't happen so. So on friday (during a case race with my favorite girls-GO TEAM POOLHALL!! WE KICKED ASS!!-sorry team frisbee but its true) I called him and let him know that he needs to call me saturday morning or afternoon regardless of whether he was coming up or not. I wasn't gonna wait around for him but I was trying to get him to be curtious to call me even he wasn't gonna come. I wouldn't have cared if he decide not to, but it's the princple of calling. On saturday I completly forgotten for awhile but around 4 or 5:00 I realized he hadn't called me. He hadn't been curtious and he once again proved his mistrust. He really needs to stop making promises that he can't come through with. So I decided that he is cut off. I dont wanna talk to him anymore. I'm takin my number outta my phone and if he does happen to call me I will tell him once that I dont wanna talk to him anymore and I'd appreciate if he doesn't call me and to have a nice life. I'm serious. This is ridiculus. If I were to continue to talk to this guy what kinda relationship would come out of it? He's out. Thats it. I've felt really good recently because I realized people I love really miss me. My #1 man at home misses me. All he talks about is the up coming summer. He can't wait, I think he is ready to burst. My mom has been calling me everyday. She really wanted me to come home this weekend. I could have but there were circumstances. I miss her too. And I really miss my baby. This weekend was really fun. I hung out with a frat that I never really hung out with before. And they are awesome. They are some crazy, funny, hot boys. They partied until 8 in the morning. And I was right there with them. It was great. I was making long lasting memories with my favortie sorority sister.

I miss it too

Ok, second time writting in this tonight but I actually have some ligit feelings now. So a friend of mine who has been in a long term relationship has decided to go on a break with her guy. And it is tearing her apart. She also has an online journal where she puts all her feelings down and reading it I completely understand where she is coming from. Reading her feelings made me realized how much I miss having those feelings. The feeling of missing someone so much you feel like you can't even breathe or you don't know how to go about your day normally because all you wanna do is think about that person or talk to that person or even tell them how much you love them even though they may not feel the same way in return. I guess I'm crazy for missing that but I do. Reading her feelings made me realize how I have shut my feelings down for a long time. That can not be healthy. So now I'm on the vurge of tears and I'm listening to my "Love is Bullshit" mix and about three seconds from making a phone call. But the difference between her and me is that although I miss that I don't wanna get back with my ex. We've changed and a lot of things have happened and neither one of us will feel right getting back together. It would be pointless, especially at this point in our lives. But sometimes when I'm with him I really think we could get back together eventually. I'm not sure how much I believe in soulmates and all that stuff but if we aren't then how else would you explain it. We are two completly different people but somehow we got together, stayed together and still come back to one another. As much as we try not to. As much as I have convinced myself that I hate him, I don't need, he's not good for me, I'll never talk to him, kiss him, call him or think about him it never works that way. I've decided a while ago to stop lying to myself. If we were to never talk again it would be because it was meant to be that way. I need to stop trying and just let the chips fall where they may. And now I'm like "well am I ever gonna have that with anyone else?" Is there someone out there who even wants to have that with me? or was that my once in a life time oppurtunity and some how I fucked it up. It couldn't have been. Not at that point in my young life. And if it is to happen again do I have to go out and look for it or should I just wait until it falls in my lap. I really don't have the answers right now. All I know is I feel her pain and I feel it even more now because of her words.

"Breakups 2 Makeup" Ashanti
I saw you again for the first time
Been a long time
It brought out all these feelings
That I never knew I had inside...
.... And I'm mad at myself cause I love you
And with or without you I'm goin through hell

I dont think that I could shake ya
So baby, can we make up
I know that this is kinda crazy
But baby, I wanna make up

I never knew I could love you
How I love you
I thought that I was through with you
So glad that I could be single

Now I'm gone thinkin bout the past
And wish that we could just go back
And I'm mad at myself cause I love you
And I really want you to come on back

I dont think that I could shake ya
So baby, can we make up
I know its kinda crazy
But baby, I wanna make up

I don't know if I'm crazy
But all the pain and the heartache you gave me
That only made me
Wanna get back with you

Strap on my balls

This weekend was crazy! One of the best weekends at school, I must say. There were some bumps in the road but maybe only one involved me. And I am sorry for what I did. I realize that it was not responsible at all. And the thing is I really wanted to help because I really want to get involved more. I pretty much fucked up my trustworthiness. I have definetly learned from my mistake. I was let down this weekend by the twin that I met at the club. Ya know, I'm not too sure about him. I think he makes a lot of promises that he can't follow threw with. I don't like that. I can see once, but continually......... that's not cool. I'm having such a hard time maintaining my life in this little ass dorm room. Somethings have got to go. I have to clean up on an hourly basis and if I go one day the place looks like a tornado went threw it. I can't take it anymore. If I had a car I'd take all this shit home. My sorority has a new pledge class and I am sooooooo excited for these girls. I hope they go all the way. Although there is no reason why they shouldn't. I worked out today for a very long time and for the first time in like a week and all day I have felt terrible. I've been so nausious and out of it. My sorority sister thinks its because of all the alcohol I consumed this weekend. But who really knows. I am still looking for a guy at school, I just need to stop being shy, but it's hard. YES! I AM SHY! Why is that so hard to believe? It's only an initial shyness. Like once I say hi to a guy or introduce myself or he introduces himself I'm perfectly fine. But anything before then is a no go. I can't even look at a guy sometimes. I'm pathetic. But oh well, I'll just have to strap on my balls and go for it. I'll let you know how it turns out.

GO TO BED!!

Ok so I literally just wrote on this stupid online journal like 3 hours ago. But I can't sleep and I thought I would put some more of my thoughts down because the previous post was kinda on the angry tip. And also after I posted it I started to look at other people's online journals and it made me want to come back in here. Since my last post I have listened to a "Love is Bullshit" mix, which is all breakup and sad songs and a "Only 4 the Grown & Sexy" Mix, which are all slow jams, but not sad. I got a phone call like 15 minutes ago from a very wonderful man. His birthday was today. He is old. This is the same guy that I am the perfect woman for. He once told me that he wanted me to give lessons to every female in his life on how to not be so uptight and pressed. I'm sure there are a few males who may be reading this journal and thinking "WHAT!!??" but yes. I don't know if I have changed, matured or what the fuck happened but all this is true. Maybe it just has to do with the type of relationship we have. There is no need to go crazy cause we layed all our cards out on the table in the beginning. It also could be that in reality we could never be anything thing else then what we have been. And also because it is just so much fun being secretive and bad. It might have to do with the fact that, surprisingly, we are a lot a like. It is pretty scary.

I have discovered the best way to keep a guy is to not like him as much as he likes you. My grandmother once told me that but I never knew what she was talking about. But it's true. Whenever I like a guy more than he likes me it gets fucked up and I get my heart broken and feelings hurt. The last time this happened I pretty much lost a really good friend. I'm still confused where we stand. It's pretty awkward. As much as I want to be friends I don't want to turn into that girl (nag) that pushed him away even when I just want to call him to say what's up. And plus usually when there is a guy in my life that I just don't have interest in or time for he never seems to go away. I mean constant phone calls, always asking me to go out, giving me shit. And because I am disinterested these things either bug me or just don't phase me. Kind of like a "Yeah, yeah, yeah" nonchalant attitude. So what I have realized is if I do really like someone then I convince myself and him that I don't as much. I know in a sense it's playing games but it's a game that works. And it's not a vicious game.

So he called. At first the phone scared me but when I saw the name I immedietly was giddy. He tells me that he thinks its gonna be a good summer for him. Which makes me scared and excited at the same time. Plus I don't want him to jinx it. I had the best time of my life last summer and I'm scared to think what will happen this summer cause it could only get better. Mainly because some circumstances will be different and less challenging.

What my friends think about me

I have resently found out that people that I call my friends or at least associates see me as somewhat of a harlot. I slut in a sense. A slut that can not be trusted around their boyfriends or other kinship. I know in one particular situation there were extreme inhibitants with all parties involved and the situation wasn't as much of a severity as was made out to be at that point in time, so its whatever. And in the end it wasn't me who ended up being the "slut", contrary to what was reported. But in another case it is mainly because people have insecurities within themselves. So because I am secure with myself, not uptight and just basically live my life how I want to (say what I wanna say, dress how I wanna dress, behave how I damn well feel) I am looked at as having an alterior motive. Trust me if I want something I usually get it. I don't fucks around. So if I don't have something (or someone) you betta believe that I don't want it or need it. My feelings were hurt and they don't get hurt very often. But this hurts my feelings mainly because it is all accusations. People think they know everything about a situation and about me. And when they put those two assumptions together they usually produce hurtful outcomes. So what I'm not a virgin. So I have piercings in my tongue and nipple. I like to show skin when I go out or when its warm outside. I speak freely about sexual topics. Make vulgar jokes and sleep with no pants on. That doesn't mean I'm after everything with a penis (or a vagina in some cases, but that's irrelavent to this topic at hand). I believe that I have always carried myself with class. I have a lot of respect for myself. And I believe you don't have to be a prude to have respect. I rarely have regrets and if I do I don't see them that way. I see them as learning experiences. That is the only way you are ever gonna get through your life is through your experiences. Besides WHAT GOES ON BEHIND MY CLOSED DOORS OR IN MY BED OR WHOEVER'S BED I HAPPEN TO BE IN AT ANY GIVEN TIME IS NOT ANYONES BUSINESS BUT MINE. Plain and simple. I wish people would stop trying to figure me out. If I wanted you to know me I would let you. There are people out there who do know me and that is because they are the ones who I feel deserve to. I know I'm an interesting person and you wanna be down, but not everyone can, especially if try to take it upon yourself. And for those who do know me but still like to assume, thats real fucked up. (and this is not to anyone particular) A real sad story is how someone I loved (one of the only people I have ever loved outside my family) was corrupted by the stories, gossip and rumors of people that I wouldn't even expect to know shit about me and called me a dirty slut and told me that he would probably never love me again and he is completly turned off from me for the rest of his life. Yea, fucked up right? But its whatever, he's crawling back now, probably because his little chippy got wise to what he was really about and he is lonely once again. But I just get so sick of people putting me down to make themselves look like angels. I guess because for the longest time I did appear (and do) to be very prestine and people hated it. I guess because that was just one other way I was "better" than they were. That once one little thing leaked out folks went buck wild with it. I guess to prove I'm not so innocent afterall. Whatever, even though what I do is my business and I'd much rather not have people know, if they find out I am not ashamed. I said before I don't have regrets. And I don't care what they may think. But it can be hurtful. So a word to the wise: WATCH WHAT YOU LET GET OUT. Whether it be about yourself, someone else or your opinion of someone else. Things always have a way of getting around.