Letting Go

After 6 years of confusion, defiance, stress and yelling I finally gave my baby a better situation to live in. I gave him to a good friend. I can't keep him. I've been trying to find something to do with him for 3 years but never had any luck with anything. I'm glad that I waited for an appropriate oppurtunity. I feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Of course I miss him. Like hell. But I feel better that he is with people I trust and I know I can visit him when I need.

I just finished reading The Coldest Winter Ever and I'm not sure I liked it. Winter was on of the worst people in the world. But what's scary is when I was around 14 I wanted the life she lived and tried to maintain. I wanted the best clothes, to be spoiled by my parents, to have a drug dealer boyfriend to take care of me. What the hell was I thinking? I was thinking I was only 14 years old. I used to think that I could have any man, and I mean man literally like 25 or older, eat out of the palm of my hand if I wanted. I started trying to find a sugar daddy or just someone older with a lot of money that would take care of me. For some girls I've grown up with that actually worked. And not surprisingly they are in the same direction as Winter was in the book. I guess I was just never to be one of those types of girls. I was born, I guess, to be a hard worker with no money and no man. I guess I will have my Diploma and Degree to hold on to at night or buy clothes and shoes with in the mall. Oh well, but anyway back to Winter, she was one of the most dumbest, egocentric, golddigging, lying somebody that could ever be made up for a book. If I ever knew her in real life I would slap her with an encyclopidia. Of course afterward she would cut me with her razor under her tongue. So even though I read the book I wasn't all outrageous about it. I really want to read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Why? Don't really know. It's a best seller.

Surgery Day

Some life changing events have occured lately. It's been a little scary. I'm glad they are over with though. I've decided not to let him know how I feel just yet. Out of courtesy for him it really isn't a good time. And I can wait. I've been conditioned to wait. I don't know what I'm going to do about the other two situations. I know what I want to do with one of them. I want it to go away. I'm not 100% sure what he really thinks of me. Obviously he doesn't know me if he thinks that by telling me what he did I would just be all about him. I feel thats why he did it. I really doubt that he honestly feels that way. No person in their right mind could. Or maybe he doesn't really know the meaning of it. Maybe he is basing it on something completely superficial. Maybe he's one of those types of people that throw it around without any remorse. Like the way other people would say "Good Morning". But instead of getting happy, which is what he thought I would do or responding with the same, it made me sick. It made me sceptical. Like, c'mon are you really serious? It's still hard to register in my mind. With the third situation I finally came clean and I thought we were on the track to something positive but of course we weren't. I was metophorically slapped in the face, again. Which I think is what works for me. Because of that slap I was able to remember all the reasons why I wanted to disassociate. Sometimes I can never remember, which is interesting to me because I've always thought of myself as someone who holds on to bad things. Not that I'm a [complete] pessimist but that I'm a realist and I can see both sides equally for what they really are.

I go back to school this weekend. People have asked me if I'm ready to go back. I respond that I'm ready to continue to get it over with. After this hopefully short sememster I'll just have one more year and its off to do whatever the fuck I want to do and hopefully be happy doing it.

Speak Up

So at work today a friend of mine told me in order to get what I want I need to assert myself and tell him exactly how I feel and what I want. She told me that guys are stupid and slow. They don't get things unless you are basically blunt with them. I agree with her 150%. I just don't know why I didnt see this for myself. I told her that my actions (or non-actions) are because of my outragous fear of rejection. She was shocked the I had a fear of rejection. Her reaction was somewhat like this, "WHAT?! But you have everything. You look like a model. Even the secretary up stairs was like 'who is that attractive African-American girl?'" So I explained to her, because of comments like that, that I have been receiving since I was 14 or younger I believe that bull crap. I've been told that I will never have a problem getting anything I want. So when I get rejected I feel like I've failed. And failure and rejection are not two things you want to be stuck with at the same time. Because noone is above rejection, thats what I believe. So maybe I will tell him what I think, or feel out what he feels about me. But I do agree with my friend. I have to put it all out on the table.

Slap in the Face

Don't you know how in the movies when someone gets hysterical someone else slaps them and they are all better. Well I have been metaphorically slapped. And I am so happy now. I have been slapped by the source of my hysteria. I needed it. I was getting ridiculous. I'm pretty much back to normal. I hate my situation, but thats normal. I'm not fabricating a situation that will not work or never happen. I started to become insane. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I was definetly insane. Right now I don't know what to do to change my behavior in order to get different results but I'm working on it. I think I got caught up too fast for the sake of getting the satisfaction I've been wanting for so long. Maybe I need to accept the fact that it might not happen. Ever. And I know ever is a strong word but to me ever means in the next 5 years. Or maybe more. 5 years is a very loooooonnng time though. I'm just glad that now I am able to wake up and smell the reality.

What is wrong with me?

I need to keep my big mouth shut. Its just causing my imagination to run wild. Why must I have this vivid imagination. I need something to keep my mind off of it. I dont know what it is though. Maybe school. School will help me to maintain a simple life. Or at least have me focues on something else. And the fact that I dont work until thursday is gonna kill me. Ive been trying to arrange a plan that allows me to get out of the house and do something but I can't really think of anything. Maybe I'll start small by going to the library or something. Its hard to figure out something that doesnt reguire me to spend money I dont have. But oh geez can I just end this blog by saying I really want this weekend to be everything I'm making it out to be and I'll be soo excited if it is.

What is goin on?

I haven't talk to this guy in over a month. Haven't seen him since leaving school and frankly haven't really thought about it. So now he calls me out of the blue and tells me he wants to be with me. Exclusively. What the hell is going on? I don't know what to do. I mean I do know but I don't. I don't want to be with him. If he had asked me this back in September then I would have been all over it. But now, since getting my heart broken slighty and realizing my feelings for others and the other dangerous circumstance I don't think I can go through with it. I think I'll give him the option of waiting for about a month and then if he still has the same feelings then maybe we can work something out. I mean I like him, he's still my friend I think I was just getting used to the fact that maybe there would be nothing there when we went back to school. But I guess it would be nice to have someone for me in school. I've wanted that since I was a freshmen.

The older guy has been calling me lately. He says he has or is trying to settle down and he's getting his life together. But he calls me. And I know why he's calling me. For escape. I haven't given in. I don't know why. Maybe because I started to dislike his personality behavior. Maybe because I grew up. I'm over the fantasy I made for myself.

I went out lastnight. Besides New Years Eve and seeing "the one" (hahaha) I haven't done anything. I had fun. But I realized I really want to stick to my diet and lose. I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I have for awhile. Since last summer. I know everyone does body improvements because of the New Year but I really feel like mine is different. I've been trying to improve my body for as long as I can remember and only have succeed once and now all that work has been wasted. I'm gonna get it together, I have to. I want to do it now that I'm young instead of waiting.

New Year

Before the new year I guess I had a reality check. I had a visit from one guy shortly after I had been making plans with the other guy that really matters. I feel so stupid saying that but thats just how I feel. So he came over and I really realized that I'm done. My head isn't in it anymore and its forced me to look at things spacially. Particularly behaviors and the future. The next night I went out with the one that matters. I experienced things that were truely unexpecting but were wonderful. I got a fix and was good for the next couple of days. But now I'm anticipating more of the wonderfulness that is expected in about 2 weeks. But I know how it works.....everytime I anticipate something I get disappointed. New Years was a little crazy. I saw lots of girls from the sorority and I was happy to see them. Got drunk and I haven't done that in awhile. But with the alcohol came the dialing as always. It wasn't too bad, I guess. At least I had the excuse of it being New Years. I called him a lot. I was craving to talk to him. I did for like 10 seconds when he called to wish me a Happy New Year at 2 am. I guess that was enough. I'm back to the constant middle school thinking. And I'm terrified that there's a chance he could read this. Oh god, then what. I know that in time I would LOVE to tell him how I feel but is it really that big of a surprise. People have thought I've felt this way for years. It's just that in 2 years I've never had an experience like this. It is at the top of everything. The top of every aspect or category. I think I need to shut up now in order for my brain or my heart not to explode.