Anticipation

Anticipation
Running in my blood along side the impurities

So many things go through my mind
Scenes and dramafications
Impossible for them all to be enacted

Anticipation
Giving me a reason to sleep
To keep going
Knowing
I'll get there

Wanna stay still and wait
Keep moving to bring it closer
My time
Mine

All mine
Anticipation

Your smile/My smile

If eyes are the windows to the soul
Then your smile must be the front door
Wanting to be in
As you let approval out with your seperated lips revealing your pearly whites

Wishing I could keep your smile
Have it be mine

Whenever you flash those jaws of danger
I'll be able to point and say
"That's me, I'm the keeper of that smile"

Go as far as you may
But anything I'll pay
Coz that smile of yours will stay
Mine

I have claimed it
And I own it

In my mind I believe you only smile when you think of me
So think joyous thoughts
Let those lucious lips seperate
Reveal your sparkle
So I can see
My smile

Heat

Lately it's been hot. Nasty hot. The kind of heat you can't do anything in. That upsets me. It's bad enough I'm always stuck in this house that I claim to love so much, but now even if I get the courage to go out I'm in danger of over heating. Or just looking really ridiculous after I have sweated myself into an unidentifiable mess. A big thing is happening this weekend. Well early next week. It was suppose to happen last weekend. I'm hoping it will finally jump start my summer. Everything up until now has been pretty mediocur (spelled that wrong).

Things

After a bad couple of days starting last thursday things are pretty good now. Friend's birthday thursday so we went out. But before we did we got caught in a blackout that spanned at least 4 neighborhoods so had to get ready in the dark. Impailed my big toe at the mall and broke it clean off. Burned my leg......it was just all sorts of craziness. Didn't have the best time when I went out. I only usually do in that scene if I'm messed up. Then had to get up early the next morning for a job that I don't like at all. Went to Pride fest downtown last weekend where I had one of the worst times but can't wait for it next year. Got sick (as usual), worked early hours all week, decided I REALLY need a new job. Was feeling bad about myself and my situations in life so I got a pretty drastic hair cut. I'm really happy with it. Right now I'm sitting in my dirty room, pissed off at the heat and the fact that people in this house can be so inconsiderate and annoying, non-stop listening to Natasha Bedingfield's "These Words" and just contiuning to find myself. She's really peeking through lately and I really like it. I really like her.

The Real Me

I see her
In my mind as she moves passed
An exhibit for me to study

tall, slender, danity
poised

Can't tell why I'm attracted
Maybe because I envy
Maybe because I inspire

This surely isn't sex
No desire to have sex
But would love to see her do it

In order to imamate
or critize

So I try that image
Never seems to come out right
Myself peeks through
And I recognize it as failing

The failing is the real me

Patience

They say, "good things come to those who wait".
So I sit
I try to be good
I dont think

I wait
I wait
and I wait

I drive myself crazy
Contradicting every move
Try to convince myself that I don't care
When its all I think about

Is it ever gonna come?
My time
How long will I be waiting?

What is it, exactly, that I'm waiting for?

Silky smooth skin

I have recently discovered that I am the poster child for Murphy's Law. If I shave (all over) and have silky smooth skin there is no one there to feel it. I turned my cell phone off for a day because I was feeling unloved. When I turned it back on I had tons of missed calles, voicemails and text messagages. And it wasn't just from regular people who call me on a day to day, it was them, people I almost never talk to, people I have met recently that I wouldn't have thought about hearing from and people that I long to hear from on a day to day. I knew that would happen if I turned it off. What is that about? I also only want a donut right after I leave the gym. It recently seems like I just can't win.

Cater 2 You
Destiny's Child

Let me cater to you
Cause baby this is your day
Do anything for my man
Baby you blow me away
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more
Anything you want just let me cater to you
Inspire me from the heart
Can't nothing tear us apart
You're all I want in a man
I put my life in your hands
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more
Anything you want, I want to cater to you

my secrets (that I don't mind sharing)

http//postsecret.blogspot.com

On days I feel my face or hair is ugly I'm extremely depressed because I know my body can't pick up the slack

I keep my hair short because the girl my ex is in love with has long beautiful black hair and I know thats what he really wants.

I've wanted my grandmother to disappear because she doesn't let my grandfather spoil me as much as he wants to.

I've taking so much pride in my sexuality that I feel I'll never be looked at as a women to love just a women to fuck.

Eventhough I'm straight I seek the attention of lesbians for my own gratification that I'm attractive to all kinds of people.

I want to date an older man just so I can mulnipulate him into giving me anything I want.

I want a sugar daddy because my real father has never given me anything.

I often think of the future funerals of my mother's parents and it makes me so upset sometimes I get sick.

I care about my looks so much because I am constantly told how attractive I am but I don't believe it and I feel I have to live up to that standard everyone expects.

I must have thought.......

..... I was a poet in 2002


(Untitled)
Silence

Closed eyes, outstrectched arms and legs
Mouth open

Darkness

Speech of the night conversing with the two oblivious listeners
Cinemas of the mind that are soon forgotten

A twist and turn
Now a soft, large embrace

Everything rythmic and organized

Loud scream from the enemy
Now the chaos of morning begins



* I'm pretty sure it was a lame school project in high school.

Turing Into a Female

Im up at 2 in the morning because I thought that if i didnt go to sleep then I wouldn't dream. But I was wrong because I can't stop thinking about how much I want things to be different. I havent been following my own advice very well. The plan was to not catch feelings and if I did don't let him know that. Never like anyone more than they like you, thats what granny says. So I decide I wasn't goin to make any late night phone calls for awhile and now I feel like an addict goin through withdrawl. I hold the phone in my hand, I check every 2 minutes to see if he called even though its right on my hip and there is no way I'd miss that familiar ring. This is getting to be a lil sick, but can you blame me? Things are not at all turning out how both of us thought it would be. But I feel like I'm the only one who notices it and cares. But I shouldn't care. And this is my problem. I care too much. I miss all of them. All the ones I've fell off contact with or yurn to see. I miss my forbidden fruit. He is so close but so far away. Why must my friends be that way. They know all I want is to see, talk to, touch, even look at him. They see him on a daily but do I ever come up, do any numbers get exchanged any phone calls get made? Course not. The most I get is a "oh yea I saw so and so the other day". Great! What the fuck am I suppose to do with that information? Why didn't you hold onto the fish instead of throwing him back when you know I'm at home hungry? Stuck on stupid, thats what they are. I know I shouldn't rely on others to do my work for me but I have no way of doing it myself right now. And I dont think I'm helping myself by listening to Snoop Dogg. Damn he is sexy.

Summa-time

WOW! So its June already. A lil scarry. Since bein home I havent done much but lay around and look for jobs. I went out a few times, saw my #1 man, experienced one of my most prestine friends get trashed, got tricked into goint to Ocean City (dont ask. or maybe you should to get the whole story) and took a Greyhound back to Baltimore. I finally got a job today. It's not what I was really looking forward to but oh well. I plan on getting a second. Use one to save up for the upcoming year and another to spulrge on summer expensises. I have a new goal for the summer that I will spare to put the details about on this blog. But those of you who know me well know what that goal is. And if you do know me well ask me and I MIGHT be willing to let you in. I plan to succeed with this goal regardless of who thinks I can't or shouldn't. It's actually very funny that I even want to succeed. But hey, I'm no ordinary girl. If it happens I will be more detailed later on.