V-Day

So my Valentines Day: I woke up and find out that school was cancelled because of a break in the water main. who would of thought? So things were chill. Got a rose from a friends boyfriend and future roommate. That made my day. But then later when I was drawing my vagina (for the show of course) it got me thinking and the depression set in. It wasn't too bad. The other vagina's were very interesting. One women drew a revolving door with 3 babies flying out, a women who hasn't had a sexual experience in 5 years drew a flower with a cobweb on it, a lesbian artist drew her vagina as a peace sign with a rainbow as the layers. I drew an oval with drama mask inside and blonde hair on the outside and a speech bubble saying "thank you". Interpret that anyway that you want. Don't really know if I should send someone a happy valentines day wish. I figured if they would have wanted one they would have acknowledged me in some sort of way. Oh well. So now I'm being a typical single college student. Is it a good idea? Probably not, but I'm doing it any way.
Happy Valentines Day Bitches!

Valentines Day Eve

What to say? It's the night before Valentines Day and I wish I could just sleep until the 15th. Not because I'm bitter. Not because I'm single and even though its some what because I'm lonely (oh no, don't cry for me) it's mainly because I don't like surprises. I don't know what to expect. A normal day would be the sane thing to expect. But I'm not entirely sane. So me and a couple of friends having been going back and forth about Valentines Day. Even though one of my friends is in a great relationship she has a lot of good insight on it. My WHOLE thing about Valentines Day is, if I were in a relationship I wouldn't expect anything more from a guy. The fact that I am in a relationship would be enough for me to make me happy. A guy wouldn't have to prove anything to me, especially one day out of an entire year, because being with me would impress me enough. So when I look back at it I should've never been upset about past sucky Valentines Days. If I was going to be upset on that one day then (as depressing as it sounds) I should have been upset everyday of the year. So as far as tomorrow I'm going to convince myself that I'm not sad, because I'm not. And I'm not going to dwell on anything, especially others. I'll keep you posted on how it turns out.

Anniversary

So I realized the previous post of my horrible week was posted exactly a year after I started this blog, when I was having another very bad, emotional, panic attack day. What is it about this week. Am I destined to have a really bad day on Feb. 8th for my entire life? Well at least I know what to expect or prepare for next year. I will keep you updated.

I got my "closure" and I feel better. Not a hell of a lot better, but better than I did. I feel like I have some sort of control over myself now. I know what to expect. I HATE being surprised. That is one of my pet peeves. I don't know how to respond when I'm surprised and I don't like that. I should be able to improv considering my acting experience and my future career plans but it doesn't really work out that way.

I came home yesterday for an appointment today that didn't even happen. So I wasted my poor mother's time and I have to come back in like two more weeks. I guess I kinda knew all along that the appointment wasn't going to go through but I came home anyway. I mean, I hoped it would but in the back of my mind knew other wise. So I guess I cheated.

Bad Bad Week

Wow, what a bad week. It started Friday. After deciding not to drink on Thursday for some reason I thought it would be ok to get so fucked up on Friday that I would just ruin my entire life. I realized that depression sinks in only when I come back to school. It could be depression or it could be just an overwhelming extent of stress. I poured my heart out and got the most minut response. So I left it at that. Then decided to slide it in during another conversation. Still nothing. So what. I hate it thats way, but so what. After dreading a potential encounter for over a week it happened today (but not really if that makes any sense) and I had a panic attack. That can not be healthy. How is it that I can let myself get that way? Why didn't I just say something? I still want to say something. I've decided if I'm going to do it, to get some sort of closure, I'll wait til I'm in the comfort of my own home this weekend. I just want to scream, "I FUCKING SAW YOU! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DIDN'T? DO YOU THINK I'M THAT FUCKING STUPID AND NON-SIGNIFICANT?" Whooosai.....

So, I'm not sure what's going on. Have you ever gotten the feeling that people know something very personal about you and they are judging you for it? I've been really feeling that way, and it really sucks. I don't like it, its unsure, uncomfortable, nerve wrecking, anxious..... And I feel like I have this problem because of someone else and having that thought makes me extremely depressed. I try to breathe, but it doesn't work all the time. I don't know if I need drugs, to become a hermet, stop drinking or stop having sex. Well I've kinda already stopped doing the last two. I've decided to stick with it over this past week.

Through discussion at Vagina Mono rehearsals I've found out that I am not as alone as I think I am. It's such a comforting feeling, for you and others, to know someone is going through the same thing you are.

First Weekend

Last night was the first party night of the first week of school. And I didn't party. I went out but didn't drink, hardly danced. I really don't know why I decided to do this. To prove to myself that I can. To prove to others that it can be done. I wasn't miserable, by all means. I've done this before. Decided not to be a ranging drunk just because everone else is. It feelt good. I feelt in control. And whats more important I didn't drunk dial! When I came home I was thinking a lot about the guys in my life. Only two. I pretty much don't see the other as really in my life anymore. Actually I don't think any of them are really in my life, I just want them to be. But I started to get pissed off at one. I've been in school for a week. Has seen all of his friends, his roommates but no him. I would hate to think he didn't come back, but I really highly doubt thats even a possiblilty. So I don't really know whether I'm sad, angry, lonely or all three and more. I had a dream about 'the one' last night. I'm surprised I didn't cry in my sleep as doopey as that sounds. And now because of it I really want to tell him how I feel. Fuck the circumstances we are in and all that stuff. If I keep this inside any longer I'm definetly going to go crazy. Today is Friday. I have no class, not that much homework and I don't think I'm going to drink tonight either. I don't even think I'm going to go out.

A Request

I need a boyfriend as a stop sign. I need a fiance for the same thing. Or at least a ring. I need to be able to put in my profiles and things that I'm in a relationship so slimy, greasy, nasty, ugly, corny, weird, crazy men will LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Someone PUH-PLEASE rescue me from this crap. I don't know how much more I can take of this. Am a just a wierdo magnet and all the normal guys have no attraction to me whatsoever? HELP HELP HELP HELP! Because if I continue to give these dumb guys a piece of my mind I'm going to get shot one of these days.