Laugh Whore

Mario Cantone is a gay, Italian-American, comedian and last night at 12:30 he was my savior. So after scarving down chilli and cheese AND a brownie sundae (munchies are a bitch) I was trying to buy time by watching TV. His stand up "Laugh Whore" came on Showtime and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. I'm not even exagerating. I needed that laugh like I need oxygen. After staying up until 2 am a couple nigths ago because I couldn't stop crying I feel a balance now. I heard voice coach, Betty Wright say today that "every living thing needs sunshine and water. With nothing but sunshine everything would burn up." I havent had a good cry in awhile, so I guess I was due for one. And now in one week I've had a good cry and a awesome laugh so I should be complete for awhile.

Dreams

So what are dreams? Sometimes I feel that dreams are you mind reminding you of the what you no longer have or what you will never get. Sometimes dreams are really unfair. Your soooooo happy in the dream and everything is going perfect, then you wake up. And you can't get the dreamality back, only reality, which isn't exactly what you want all the time. Some people like to think that dreams are sometimes looks into the future. If thats the case I never hope the dream of the giant tiger chasing me around the neighboorhood ever comes true. But also I highly doubt that Mos Def will ever tell me he loves me (See: February 11, 2005 entry). But with the Mos Def dream I was told I was substituting for something else. So what is the tiger a substitute for. But this dream I had last night I don't think its suppose to be translated into other emotions, except things lost. I can just hope that it is a prediction into the future.

End of June

So I still havent started working. I'm not sure if I posted my experience with Target but needless to say I quit before even starting and wasnt interested in going back. I'm suppose to be starting a job through a temp agency on Thursday but I feel like the women at the agency is blowing me off. Maybe I didnt pass my drug test like I thought I did. That would be very bad. But because I'm still broke and havent done much this summer and I have been home for over a month depression kicks in every once in awhile. And like I always say it wouldnt be that bad if I had transportation. If I had a car, I'd have a job, I'd be skinner and I would be happier. Is that bad to say? But its true. All my happiness revolves around me being able to travel and get away. You can't expect me to be happy and satisified when on most days I dont even go out of my own front door. Oh well. I'm going to start writing again. Maybe that will help me out a bit. Hopefully something good will come of it. Maybe I'll finally finish a song, or at least turn a poem into one. Last summer all my poetry was so sad and depressing because that was what I was. I need to start writing when I'm in a good mood. Or learn how to tap into those old feelings when I did feel loved, and needed. But I'm gonna get my gears rolling and see what happens. Maybe I'll share my thoughts with you fine people.

Father's Day

Today is father's day and I can't wait til its over. I feel so retarded because for some unknown reason I didnt go see the only man that matters in my life, my grandfather. I feel really bad, but I have no good reason why I didnt go. My mother went to visit him this morning but I didnt find out about that until like 20 minutes ago. She got on me for not going to see him today but I'm thinking why didnt she take me with her when she went or why did she wait until now to say something to me? Whateve. I'd like to think my granddad knows how much he means to me without me being in his butt for card company made up holiday. oh well. I have a job, but I'm still gonna keep looking for better oppurtunities.

How much hard work really pays off

So I've come home for the summer to skinny friends. At least three of my friends have lost weight, enough weight that people notice. And I'm pissed! Wanna know why, because I have be eating healthy and excersising for 5 months. I lost 20 pounds, but somehow gained 10 back around exams, just in time to come home for the summer and not really look any different from when I left. So of course my hard work is absolutely nothing. And what annoys me even more is that the people who have lost weight havent lost it because they have been working hard, theyve lost it because either they have men in their life who stress them out, they decide not to eat just because they are stressed or they dont really have the money to eat all the time. How unfair. I guess I should be happy that I'm healthy and will be for the long run but not right now I'm not. I wanted results and that is why I was working so hard for so long. And the fact that 10 pounds crept up on me right after formal makes me sooooo angry. But oh well I'm still working at it and hopefully I'll have dropped another 20 pounds in the next 5 months.